Post by << NINE on Feb 11, 2009 23:30:06 GMT -5
Entry the First
Logged at: 2:41 AM
Logged at: 2:41 AM
Sometimes, I wonder if we haven't already lost what we're fighting for. It seems so surreal, this ongoing push, this never-ending cycle. They come, we hide, we hold our breath, they leave, and we live to hide another day. Maybe it's too late. Maybe we're already uploaded, and this is the world they allow us to live in. But I don't think so. Somehow, in spite of the fact that I know it's entirely possible that we're all just living a lie, I know otherwise. I know that this is real.
I know that it is not an illusion when I see the exhaustion, the utter discouragement on the faces of the people who look to me to lead them. I know it is not illusion that I cannot determine, honestly, within my heart of hearts, whether I would still be seeking peace so intently if my father were not among the uploaded. If he were not, would I still care so greatly to preserve the lives of those who are? I believe I would. I hope I would.
Sometimes, I feel so lost. Sometimes, I take a step back and I examine myself and I wonder who in their right mind would follow me? And yet, they do. They trust me, and they believe in me, and I try my damnedest to live up to that trust, but someday, I do not know when, I am going to fail them. I am going to fail to protect them, just as my father did, and I fear it is only a matter of time. And I can tell no one, so I write these thoughts here, in my darkest hours, I write in this file, where no one will ever read, so no one will know the doubts that linger with me.
